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A Letter to My College Daughter on her First Day of CollegeAugust 19, 2009
Dear Nandi,
Yesterday, on the long drive to campus, I kept looking in the rear view mirror. No one was tailgating me, there weren't any cops, and the road was empty, but for some reason I found myself glancing behind me more than usual. It occurs to me, a day later, that while we were surely headed forward, moving ahead, I found it soothing to look back on the past 18 years. I suppose that in life it is important to remember where you've been, as you move ahead. These are just a few of things I remember about our past young lady. Things that I hope you will carry with you--as lessons, as reminders, as guides.
1. I never went to college parties. And you shouldn't either.
2. The first four years of your life, we lived in close to five different cities. You were a real trooper, adapting to the different areas and communities. And, when your mother and I divorced, you handled it better than most children do. Better than I would have. In fact, when I was older than you, my parents announced that they were separating, and I cried and begged and pleaded for them to work it out. And, they did. And, if they hadn't I would have been a wreck. Nandi, since the beginning, you have been a strong woman. You bounce back. You manage expectations well. You adjust. You will need this during the next four years, as this is probably the biggest life change you will encounter. So, embrace it. Run circles around yet another city in your life. Keep doing what you've been doing since you were a baby.
3. Of course, I know you are a sensitive little lady, and I know that even though you've handled lots of challenges in your life brilliantly. But, I also know that you keep some things inside. A little of that is okay. A lot, not so okay. Nandi, if you ever feel like the pieces of the puzzle don't fit, your world is too unpleasant, the sky is crashing, talk to someone. Talk to me. Talk to your God. Talk to your teacher. Talk to the girl at starbucks. Talk to a therapist. Talk to someone. See, sometimes, sharing offers focus, and listening is an act of love that can renew your spirit.
4. One month into your mother's pregnancy, I saw you in a dream. Vividly. I saw your nose, eyes, skin. You were as clear as spring water. I was 22, with no idea how to be a father, and a little afraid I might add. But, after the dream, I was thrilled, gung-ho, quite excited about your joining us. Eight months later, in the delivery room, I guess I went overboard, videotaping the whole thing. I was just so filled with joy at the opportunity to meet and help raise you. I told myself that when you went to college, I would let you watch the video. I thought it would be one of those movie-moments that we could share together. Well, i went back to look at a little of it, and I stopped after a few seconds. I realized that this is one of those rare moments in our history that I want to remember as is. Knowing is great, but I'd rather hold on to the feeling.
5. After the divorce, you came to stay with me every other weekend. Back in those days as a starving artist, I didn't have a lot of material things. I had a few books, poems, and lots of love for you. Whenever you'd come visit, you'd always say things like "I like your hat, daddy," or "I like your coat, daddy." It was the most wonderful feeling in the world each time you uttered those sentiments. It made me feel on top of the world, and I thank you for that. Nandi, as you encounter people in life, whether its your professor or the guy mowing the lawn, your roommate or the cafeteria aide, always share positive sentiments with them. You don't know what's going on in their life, good or bad, but a few wonderful words can make someone feel brighter, can make a lonely poet forget about the bus fare he doesn't have.
6. FYI, I never went to parties in college. I studied all the time.
7. Speaking of college, junior year I took a sociology class. I loved the class. And the teacher. I just never went to class. I did the papers--on issues that I was interested in. And skipped the tests. Needless to say, I flunked the final. Now, when grades came, I was totally expecting an "F." It just so happened, that Junior year was my "radical" year. It was the year i organized anti-apartheid rallies on campus, held protests in the snow, and generally worked day and night to make conditions better for minority groups. So, i was very active on campus, just not attending too many classes. So, when the grades came out, my sociology professor had given me a C+. He explained that while most of the students were learning about Minority Group Relations in his class, I was out learning about it and putting it into practice in a real world situation, and he admired that. Okay, first, i am not saying you should skip classes. That would be a mistake (and i would have to cut off your allowance--SMILE), but I think college is about learning in and out of the classroom. Become involved Nandi. Bridge that gap between knowledge and experience.
8. Okay, so i went to one party in college. It was a local weekly dance contest, at the Marriott. Started at 11:00 pm on friday nights. I'd won a couple fridays, and your uncle Marshall won a few fridays also. Well, one friday night they had the final competition, and Marshall and I, and our partners went head to head. I should have won, but Marshall started doing some combination of the Reebok and the Jerk (Google it). And, losing was a terrible experience for me. Which is the point, that if you never go to parties and dance contests Nandi, you will never lose. So don't go to any parties.
9. Honesty. Rule #1 in life. Never lie. (unless you're telling your first child you didn't go to parties in college. That is okay.) Your reputation is how folks know and respect you Nandi. First and foremost, be an honest and trustworthy person, and not only will others feel good about you, but you will feel good about yourself. Speaking of which, please sign the form that says I can view your grades at the end of each semester.
10. Friendship. Rule #2 in life. You attract what you are. When you look in your rear view mirror, do you see the kinds of friendships that will last a lifetime. I suspect not. College is a place where all that changes. My best friend in life, the guy who beat me in the dance contest, I met the first day of college. If you want to meet good, honest, caring, friendly people, then be good, honest, caring and friendly from day one. It's as simple as that.
11. Here are some of the highlights of life with you, my dear:
The day you were born.
The day you bit the boy in preschool
The day my first book came out, and you and I were on the cover
The day we sat outside in 100 degree weather selling books
The day you won the MLK historical essay contest
The day you walked down the aisle of my wedding
The day you announced you wanted to be a poet
The day we went to Kings Dominion with Marshall, Anita and her kids
The day you started high school
The day you started varsity volleyball as a freshman
The day you turned 16 and I showed up in the Limo
The day you came to live with me
The day during your junior year when you told us "I got this, school will be fine"
The day you opened the letter from NYU and it said you got a full scholarship to the Summer Program
The day you watched Samayah for the first time, and didn't drop her
The day you graduated cum laude
The day you got offered the full scholarship to College
The day I got the bill for $0
The day you walked up the hill to your dorm and never looked back
12. So, here we are, 18 years after The Dream. And, i find myself wanting to say something deep. To offer some glimpse of what the future will hold for you Nandi. And, the reality is, you don't need me to tell you what the future will hold, anymore than you needed me to videotape your birth. I'm the one looking back, trying to remember. You're on your way up the hill, In the dorm, up the stairs, to room 218. Looking forward. "I got this, Dad," is what I hear, and I believe that you do. I guess this is more about me. Wasn't it just a minute ago when we were walking to the tennis courts in Ashland, or swinging in the park in Norfolk, or singing some of our favorite made-up songs. Geesh, Nandi, I miss you already! I miss the drama and your dynamic charm. I miss your attitude and your attention to family. I miss your fiery personality (just a little) and your focus on excellence. I know you're not gone, you're just in another city, and now I must learn to adapt and adjust. Don't worry though, "I think i got this..."
PS. Your mother never partied either.
Cheers!
Dad
